false fair friends
That theatre is taking up all of my time. It's so funny, I get in there in the mornings and I just feel overwhelmed with all that is in front of me. I'm waking up okay most days, it isn't as painful as I thought it would be, but once I'm in that office, I just feel like there isn't enough time and there aren't enough resources to make everything work. I'm working very hard to disconnect from it, to do a good job while I'm there but to leave the work at work.
I left early today. It was necessary. I've been putting in long hours (extra, unpaid hours) and I just needed some time to relax.
A good friend of mine stressed me out the other day. I'm going to be complaining, so I don't want to use her real name, although I can imagine that anyone reading this would recognize her and if she ever checks this, she'd recognize herself. She was just surprisingly unsupportive about a future visit to TX. I know she doesn't like Klaus, but it's something that I really don't worry about very often and I never thought it would be a real issue. She doesn't have personal reasons, it's not like he spread a rumor about her or did anything mean to her. She just feels like he let her down with something school-related years ago. I just don't see how it matters at this point. I'm filled with stories of peace and happiness because I have him in my life. He treats me amazingly well. I just don't see how my joy and the moments of his deep kindness towards me don't outweigh her experience from years ago that had no lasting impact on her life whatsoever. (He played one song out of tune at one recital.) I just don't get it. She told me that she thinks she should be my top priority and be more important than him. She said that even though he's paying for the tickets (and totally financing this trip, frankly) she's been around longer (I've known her about three years longer than I've known him) so she is #1.
What? I was so blown away by that. I tried to explain to her that I've always been of the bros before hos mindset, but this relationship is different. We've been together for over a year, this isn't some random guy I just met a month ago. We're making plans and working hard to lay the foundation for a life together. He's my boyfriend, I love him. He's the first person I go to when good things happen and when bad things happen. I talk to him every day, multiple times a day. We're in a long distance relationship, I rarely see him and I would not feel comfortable leaving him to spend time socially with anyone else.
This all came after I told her that I know she does like him, so if she wants to hang out in a larger group (more than just the three of us) that's okay. She asked when he was working and I told her that he had taken off so we would have more time together. She said, "so I won't get to see you at all?"
I just don't understand. Sure, it's disappointing to not get one on one time, but that doesn't mean we still won't have fun and enjoy seeing each other after all these years. I tried to explain that things will be different this time for so many reasons. My main focus of the visit is to see my boyfriend and spend time with him. I'm not visiting my Dad and just driving down to SA to hang out with some friends for a long weekend. My Dad is actually going to drive down and visit too. He wants to meet Klaus and in May it'll be a year since I last saw my Dad, so we need to reconnect. I have to be respectful of Klaus' parents who I'm sure what to spend some time talking to me and getting to know me.
I just don't understand why this is such a big deal to her and why she doesn't understand the reality of my situation. Why isn't seeing me at all exciting and meaningful to her, regardless of the circumstances? It's just so stressful.
I called Jessica to talk about it last night. She would never do that to me. Sure, the package deal nature of my relationship might be annoying at times, but it's only because I'm in a long distance relationship. If we lived in the same place and believed we had a limitless amount of time to spend together, maybe a day or night apart would feel okay. I like that Jessica gets it and supports it. She says that when he's in town she misses talking to me, but she doesn't mind because she knows I'm happy and she wants me to enjoy my time with him.
I just don't understand why someone who is supposed to be one of my best friends is not happy that I'm in love and feel loved. I don't understand why she doesn't just accept it and process it as a positive addition to all of our lives. I don't understand why she doesn't think that the person who pays the bills calls the shots. I don't understand how someone who I talk to at most every few weeks thinks she needs to come before my family and Klaus' family. The reality of the situation is that Klaus is my family. I've had friendships that have blurred the line in the past and they've been "like family" but at the end of the day, when I think about Klaus, I see him as family. I don't need a pastor or a wedding band to make it real to me.
You don't mess with family. You don't step when it comes to family. You don't make it "me or your family" because family is always going to win. I don't think real friends put it out there like that.
I just have to let it go. I have so much on my plate right now (babysitting, teaching, the job at the theatre, looking for a new job) and I have to let it go.
the false fair friends
they were born to go
***
written on 03-01-07 at 5:35
navigate
index
older
notes
profile
guestbook
last five entries
- - 04-11-07
false fair friends - 03-01-07
update - 02-23-07
myspace reflections - 02-18-07
Be Without You - 02-11-07