myspace reflections
Seemingly random, but here goes...
The weird thing about blogs, diaries, livejournals, myspace, facebook, IM, e-mail, and everything else that makes up a life online is the level of access people have to each other right now. I like posting in here because I type faster than I write (and I secretly dislike my handwriting) and I've been doing it since March 2002, it is an accomplishment at this point and I don't want to give it up. It's just strange though, there are people who aren't really a part of my life anymore, but they still have this address and might read the diary. There were times when I felt betrayed by people who I knew read this, so I was extra careful in what I posted.
With the internet, it doesn't take very much effort to be caught up with the happenings of someone else. I did a myspace search for a girl that I haven't talked to in eight years and discovered that she grew up into a beautiful young woman and looks happy. I can tell you about her college and her major. It was really cool. She was probably one of my best friends in middle school and there were never any hard feelings between us, we just moved and lost touch. Middle school friendships are intense (in 7th grade, we had 7 out of 8 class periods together...) and she was a huge part of my life. When I told her my parents were getting divorced she wrote me a poem. She told me she loved me and was one of the first friends I remember saying that to me in a serious way. (Totally platonic, friendship love.) It was great to see her looking happy and seemingly well-adjusted. It was nice to be able to briefly catch-up via myspace.
It is also sickening though. I can honestly say that I've looked up most of my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends on myspace. I wanted to see who they were, what they were like (as much as anyone can get from a particular layout or a list of favorites), and if they were prettier than me. I wanted to see if we were similar in some way, if he had a type. I don't know what it would've proved. I was curious, but I don't know what I was looking to get out of it. There aren't any satisfying answers. I think at least one girl really is prettier than me. I think they present themselves on myspace as silly and vapid, the kinds of young women who are an embarrassment to the gender (when I'm feeling more direct) or still discovering who they are (when I'm feeling more compassionate). What do I get from thinking that he dated dumb girls? Nothing. I don't feel superior, if anything I wonder if I'm just unaware of how silly and vapid I am.
And there are my exes. It's fun to see their myspace pages, their away messages, and their career promotional materials to get a glimpse of their current lives. It always reaffirms my decision to travel a different path, I don't stare at their photo page and wish we were still together. I feel like the right choices were made ultimately with everyone I ever dated. It's weird to watch their current flirtations unfold on a myspace message board (wall?) though. I see their game (in the best possible sense) and I remember how the words that interested me back when we were dating. It's so funny to watch a game that I willingly participated in once be played with another person. Individual connections are special, but style transcends the person you're dating or are trying to date. It's just strange, I remember how I felt when those things were said to me and now, because of this online community, I'm able to witness them being said to someone else. It's too much connectedness. These men/boys aren't my friends, sure we are on friendly terms (a call every six months or so, a random IM convo, a smile and nod if we pass each other on the street, etc.) but we would never have a conversation that would give me this level of access to their personal romantic lives. No matter how much you don't want to be with a person anymore, it's still awkward to hear them profess love for someone else (when they once professed it for you). If you're truly friendly, you just leave your current romantic entanglements in vague terms when talking to an ex. It is just the polite thing to do.
It makes me wonder if someone would ever look at me and my current situation and recognize things from a past I had with them. If they witnessed my interactions with Klaus, would they think I did something with him the same way I would've done it with him?
I don't know. I think I used to have okay game, but with Klaus I'm too much of myself to be able to pretend to be cool and together. Also, dating him and being in this relationship has made me grow up a lot. I think the only thing I still do is cook. I cook for everyone though, it's not an attempt to seduce boys anymore, it's just what I do.
It is too much though. Instant access is a bad idea. Wondering what someone is up to now is normal, finding out intimate details within a few minutes is not. I might need to delete the myspace soon...
written on 02-18-07 at 6:59
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false fair friends - 03-01-07
update - 02-23-07
myspace reflections - 02-18-07
Be Without You - 02-11-07